mixed feelings.

so like i want to do what i want when i want...
but i feel like i owe her at least my attention when it comes to education
i feel like i owe her straight As and being in the top 5
since she wants me to be great and have a good life.
i understand why.

and i know she's not the strictest parent
i'm lucky that i can even do the things i do today

yet..i keep being selfish and think but i want to do this and that
not what you want, what i want..

so i begin to resent myself and i'm always thinking of how
i want to give her happiness by accomplishing good deeds
like being top student and studying alll the time ...being smart n stuff

but i'm not smart. im average. i don't know what way to go
i don't know how to do many things in this world called adulthood
perhaps it my fault. and it probably is. for not being more serious
and saying 'hey i really have to get it together'

i hate how i'm always lazy and i always procrastinate
i hate how i say i'm going to do things..set goals
and end up never doing them.
i hate how i'm always taking things for granted
and winging every choice

i want to change. for the better
so i can make her proud and feel worry free about me.
i mean it's the least i can do for her.
i keep saying this. yet my actions won't prove success

i wish i could turn on this 'button' i have
so i can get on with life and stop living as a 10 yr old